bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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