You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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