just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
