I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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