So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
