I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
