she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
