It's like a parade of train wrecks.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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