This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
