Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
