She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
