i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
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