I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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