We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
