using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
