his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
