Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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