hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
