why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
