ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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