found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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