i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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