my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
