I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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