gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
zippers are such a cool invention
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
