dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
