Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
