chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
