I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
two words: eviction party
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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