I think I am morally bankrupt
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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