Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
