Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
