I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
