my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
