Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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