We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
