I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
