hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i think i just lost a toe
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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