Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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