My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
