When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
