my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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