my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
