she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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