The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
