My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
