I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
