I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Your penis caused this!
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