Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
