I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
